FEAR NO MORE

I have just discovered something else about my fear of intimacy.  I have just realised that if only arises when the guy is likes me.

If I like the boy it doesn’t surface, but if the boy likes me, it is overwhelming.  And I have just discovered that it is not just about the boy liking me, it’s occurs when the boy likes me and in return, I like the boy.

I have never ever realised that before, but now when I look back at each and everytime it has occured, I have liked the boy and the boy has liked me.  But because of my huge fear, I have been paralysed to take it futher and just let him slip away.

The good news is that I don’t have that fear anymore.  I am recollecting each and everyone of those incidences and in each and every case I am reconciled.  In some cases, my imagination has even give me a relationship with the boy which is really lovely.

That explains why with a certain Frenchman, I recacted so so badly.  I can still remember it.  It was awful.  My friend described it as me feeling all my feelings/emotions at once.  I just didn’t understand why I felt so uncontrollably overwhelmed.  But now I do.

Here was a beautiful man who really like me and he was my idea of perfection. So my fear just went while.  I see now that I had no chance.  The only chance I would of had is if it had happened now with my awareness, I could have dealt with it.  But at the time it  just ruin me.  I had no option but to stunt it’s growth and development.  I just couldn’t handle the fear.

This is a real breakthrough because it also affects my sex life with men.  For me sex is special and important and a release and a relief.  Because of my fear of intimacy, I couldn’t let myself go with men.  I couldn’t be free.

But now I know what it is all about, I am so happy.

I don’t know where the fear came from.  I remember the first incidence of it occurred when I was 10 and my friends at junior school set me up with another little boy.  They made a big thing about it and I felt like the whole school new.  Maybe it was that.  I was so full of fear that I only went out with him for a day.  He was so sweet and brought me a box of chocalates.

Or maybe it was the rejection.  My first love was a boy from my infant school, who rejected me and then later when I told my dad that I was going to marry him when I grew up, he laughed in my face, which was another rejection.

I have no idea where it came from and I never really talked about it to anyone because I didn’t understand it or knew it – not until now.

Now I think about all the really nice nice boys who liked me and wanted to go out with me.  I can real their names off.  And I just shut them down.

Abraham says that in another world, our inner beings are living our dreams and fantasies.  That pleases me that on some level, I did enjoy all those men.

And it really comforts me for the future, that when the next fantastic guy comes along and if the fears crops up, I will know what to do with it.

Peace.

Finally The Penny Dropped

It’s 5.41am on a Wednesday morning and I couldn’t sleep so I got up to do some work.

I was just thinking about the french man that I let slip through my fingers.  I have been thinking alot about him lately.  Well more than lately, for a long while.  And I think I may know the reason why.

I think he was a lesson for me.  I don’t think I was really meant to be with him.  I can’t imagine living in France, starting all over again not speaking the language no money etc.

I think the lesson I had to learn here was not to let a good thing go.  I still have to do my due diligence on a guy, but if he ticks the boxes, don’t be put off by circumstances – go for it.

I have learnt so much and I am learning every day.  I really could do with moving. I have so many memories here.  In this area where I live.  It’s getting to the points where I can walk around and get flash backs to some event in the past.  I really need to move somewhere fresh.

Isn’t it weird

It happened again.  The last couple of days I have been feeling terrific, still am feeling terrific actually.  When just as before comes a body blow.

Took a walk this eveninig and decided to visit a friend that I haven’t seen for awhile only to discover when I get to hisflat that he had moved.  His neighbour said that he has gone up north.  He just moved away and didn’t even say bye.

My friend said not to take it personally, but it really did hurt.  I am wondering if it would have hurt as much if I hadn’t been feeling so good.

The Highs and Lows

This morning I woke up feeling on top of the world.  I was literally walking on air.  I thought today is going to be a wonderful day, and then what…

I had an appointment that didn’t quite go to plan, but I thought, don’t pay it any mind.  Sometimes opportunities are disguised as dissappointments.  Then later on in the day I had a slight augurement with a fried.  After that I can tell you that I was feeling quite annoyed.

And I thought to myself, how could the day go like this when I started it with so much good energy.  Then I remembered something Bashar had said.

He said that when you make a change, you are almost immediately sent a challenge.  The way in which you deal with that challenge will determined if you have really changed.

Changing subjects slightly, I have decided that I am going to focus more on my heart.  Focus more on the feeling.  Be mindful of how my heart feels.

The Change is Me

I have been looking for a change, but now I realise that the change I need to make is a change in me.

I want to attract the multi-national, multi-cultural friends.  I want to attract that amazing man.  But just a short while ago as I was walking to the shops, I realised that what I’m really missing is the old me.

The happy full of dreams and ambitions me.  The friendly, smiling, charming and warm person I used to be.

I don’t want to totally transform in to the person I used to be, but I do want some of me back.

And once I get that, the rest will follow.

1 minute, 30 seconds

I have been reading a lot lately about people setting goals.  So I have decided to set myself one.  My goal is to think no thoughts for 1 minute, 30 seconds. 

I have set the alarm on my mobile phone to beep every 15 minutes.  When I hear the beep, I stop what I am doing (religiously) and I start another timer for 1 min, 30 secs.

It’s such a short space of time, but so far I have not managed to keep my mind clear for  1.5 mins (it’s only been a day though).  But when I do, I will increase the time.

It’s surprising how much you can get done in 15mins.  I thought it would feel like the alarm was going off all the time.  But sometimes, I find myself checking to make sure it is still on.  Which I take as a very good sign that I am not rushing or trying to cramp to much into my life.

Also, although I do get thoughts popping up in my mind when I am trying to keep my mind clear.  I don’t feel any Resistance to the thoughts.  I don’t feel like I am battling to keep my mind blank.

Whenever I catch myself thinking, I just move my focus back to the blank space at the front of my forehead.

I think I have mentioned before that I have been curious as to why it is that the fleeting thoughts manifest much more quickly than the thoughts we ponder and cogitate over.

I have come to realise that this is because we attach no Resistance to the fleeting thoughts.  So for me, in that 1.5 mins, there is no Resistance to my desires.

First Sunny Day of 2009

Today is a warm and wonderful sunny Sunday – 14c.

I took a long lovely walk by the canal – roll on the summer.

How Does It Feel To Be RICH?

This is an extract from an email that was sent to me.

Someone asked their very wealthy friend, what does it feel like to be rich?  And below is his reply:

It feels great. Of course it feels great. How could having money feel anything but great. Oh I don’t mean to imply that it solves all of life’s problems, but it certainly takes the pressure off many of them.

Such as I never worry about how things are going to get done. I just know that they will get done. I never think about how much anything costs. What a waste of time. If I want it, I can have it. It’s pretty simple.

I don’t tend to spend money just to be spending it either, that’s for those newbie millionaires. Buying stuff just to prove who has the most money, who can wear the most gawdy jewelry. I don’t have to own the finest penthouse overly decorated in gold to feel good about myself. While those things are just fine for others, I don’t feel any need to prove I have money, it’s nobodies business
but mine and I really don’t care what other people think. I completely understand their motivation and more power to them, but it’s not necessary for me to feel good about myself.

I never worry about losing my wealth. I mean I know that sometimes happens to people. They will make and lose millions over and over. I don’t see the sense in that. I never think about those kind of “what if” situations. I appreciate my wealth, why would I even think about losing it? I know I’ve always been able
to make money and that is something about me that can’t be taken away.

I love the feel, taste, look and smell of quality, so I don’t bother with anything that isn’t. I don’t mean to sound snobbish here but I can honestly say I’ve never set foot in a Walmart. Don’t even know if there’s one near me. Not that I wouldn’t, it might be a fun adventure. Maybe I’d find out what everyone is so enamored with old Sam Walton. Gotta give him credit, he turned a small store into an empire. Gotta give him that!

I’ve always just had a knack for increasing my wealth. I’ve got an eye for it, I’ve never had to work hard. Actually I enjoy what I do so much I don’t ever think of it as work. For me it’s play. Always has been. I get up in the morning and go play. I don’t have anyone telling me where or when, it’s my game and I love it. The money just keeps multiplying and multiplying, it always has. I’m not even sure what my net worth is, it doesn’t matter. You get to a point where it’s too much to comprehend, so you don’t bother.

I’ve never have to think about any of the financial stuff, taxes, paying bills, investment accounts, etc. I haven’t written a check in years. I have a large team of carefully chosen professionals who handle all of that for me and I pay them well. I trust them completely, I just sign the papers when I need to and they take care of me and protect me. I deeply respect their expertise and I go out of my way to let them know I appreciate them. Actually I love those guys, everyone of them. They treat my wealth as if they were protecting their own and actually they are because I believe in sharing my wealth with those who support me in it. They protect me, they protect themselves.

I respect all the people who work for me. They are like family, and in every case they’ve been with me for a while. They’re great, they know my tastes and I’m pretty open. Communication is a two way street, they know if they need to talk to me, I’ll make myself available to them and that I’ll listen. It’s all about respect.

I have a few credit cards. But I use one for most everything. I have one specifically for really big purchases, that I use occasionally too. Then I don’t have to worry about saving receipts. I have no idea what the credit limits are on the cards. I’m sure I could probably max them out (?) if I tried but what would be the point of that. My accountant has known me long enough to
figure out how much I might need and I’m sure the cards have limits well over what that amount is. Truth is, I’ve never really thought about it. In all my travels, purchases, etc. it’s never been an issue.

I tend to keep a certain amount of cash tucked in my wallet for security, but I rarely ever use it. It’s for situations where only cash will do, but they are rare. Cash just isn’t necessary for the most part anymore. The idea of walking around with a big roll of bills is silly to me, I don’t need it and it would obstruct the line of my pants. If I need cash I just call my accountant or I stop at a bank.

I admit a few times in my life, I’ve seen someone who touched me, a waitress who in spite of a horrible boss/work situation gives great service with a sweet smile, a stranger who goes out of their way to do something kind, a guy on the street who’s twinkle in his eye overwhelms the hunger on his face. When I see something special like that in someone I like to slip a nice bill out of my wallet and leave it with them somehow. Sometimes I have to just pass it to them, but I try to do it so they won’t know who left it, I enjoy thinking about their faces when they find the bill.

If I see something I really want, something that just vibrates with me, I buy it. I don’t worry about paying too much or getting a good deal. When you’re rich, people tend to give you things for free all the time. Everywhere you go, people are handing you “bling bags”. I figure sometimes I may overpay for something and then I turn around and get something else for free. It all
balances out in the end, why should I worry about it?

I have a few of houses, but I can only live in one at a time, so they set empty most of the time. I loan them out to friends for vacations and business. I let the housekeepers know where I’ll be and when (within reason) and they know how to stock the house/kitchen/bar. I love good food. I like to cook sometimes.
I’m like everyone else, I let the housekeeper know what I want for dinner, or I order out or I go to a restaurant. It’s all good.

I don’t walk around all day thinking about being wealthy. It’s like air to me or health, it’s just mine. I don’t feel like my wealth makes me better or less than anyone else. It would be a pretty silly gauge of a persons worth to judge them by what’s in their bank account instead of what’s in their heart. I see a lot of not so genuine people, but I see a lot of really great people too. Money
doesn’t have anything to do with it.

I also don’t feel like having money obligates me to spend it supporting charitable endeavors. I get invited to a ridiculous amount of fundraisers and I never go to any of them. Why would I want to put myself through hours of charity smiles, over cooked food and horror stories? Gives me chills just to think about it.

It’s all choices anyway, everyone could be wealthy if they wanted it and allowed it. I give money to programs, people, ideas that really light me up. I love supporting ingenuity and resourcefulness. There’s nothing better than being able to give anything I want to something that touches my heart in a special
way. It’s such a rush.

Well and my family. Of course my family is all completely taken care of, they always have been, that’s a given.

I don’t know if I’ve answered your question. I know you wanted a more “feeling” type answer, but honestly, what do you want me to say, it feels good. I mean how could money feel anything but good. There’s no such thing as bad money. It’s all just money.

What I buy feels good, for a while. What I give away feels good, for a while. Making more money feels good, for a while. Offering financial security to my employees feels good, for a while. But then it’s always off to the newest “what feels good”. It’s all about enjoying it and then moving on to the next grand adventure. Isn’t that what life is all about?

Dec. Mak

I’m In Love…

…and it is a wonderful feeling.

Who am I in love with?  I am in love with ‘who I am’. 

For so many years I have waited to feel this way.  To feel complete, to feel contented, to feel confident, to feel happy with who I am.  And today at 42years and 1 month and 22 days approx, I can say with great pleasure and glee, I truely feel that way.

I feel like I can just relax now.  I feel like I am being guided and taken care of.  But I guess most importantly, I can feel happy and joyful because I have everything that I want and need… I am me.  And what I don’t have I will acquire, because… I am me.

The other really cool thing about feeling this way is that I will attract a man who also feels this way. (Abraham Hicks: Law of Attraction) and that is exactly what I would like.  A man who has his act together and knows what he wants / needs / looking for.  How sexy is that.

A Blank Mind

The other thing I have realised is that fortuitous events ocurr much more frequently when my mind is blank.

A blank mind means no resistence.  No resistence means: no resistence to the things you desire, consciously or sub-consciously.

I try not to think about anything, I definitely don’t entertain any thoughts that come into my mind.  Not only am I getting a more relaxed nights sleep.  Cool things happen when my mind is a clean slate.  And also, I feel so much better, much more happy.  My energy is definitely up and more positive.

Try it, it’s great.