I have just discovered something else about my fear of intimacy. I have just realised that if only arises when the guy is likes me.
If I like the boy it doesn’t surface, but if the boy likes me, it is overwhelming. And I have just discovered that it is not just about the boy liking me, it’s occurs when the boy likes me and in return, I like the boy.
I have never ever realised that before, but now when I look back at each and everytime it has occured, I have liked the boy and the boy has liked me. But because of my huge fear, I have been paralysed to take it futher and just let him slip away.
The good news is that I don’t have that fear anymore. I am recollecting each and everyone of those incidences and in each and every case I am reconciled. In some cases, my imagination has even give me a relationship with the boy which is really lovely.
That explains why with a certain Frenchman, I recacted so so badly. I can still remember it. It was awful. My friend described it as me feeling all my feelings/emotions at once. I just didn’t understand why I felt so uncontrollably overwhelmed. But now I do.
Here was a beautiful man who really like me and he was my idea of perfection. So my fear just went while. I see now that I had no chance. The only chance I would of had is if it had happened now with my awareness, I could have dealt with it. But at the time it just ruin me. I had no option but to stunt it’s growth and development. I just couldn’t handle the fear.
This is a real breakthrough because it also affects my sex life with men. For me sex is special and important and a release and a relief. Because of my fear of intimacy, I couldn’t let myself go with men. I couldn’t be free.
But now I know what it is all about, I am so happy.
I don’t know where the fear came from. I remember the first incidence of it occurred when I was 10 and my friends at junior school set me up with another little boy. They made a big thing about it and I felt like the whole school new. Maybe it was that. I was so full of fear that I only went out with him for a day. He was so sweet and brought me a box of chocalates.
Or maybe it was the rejection. My first love was a boy from my infant school, who rejected me and then later when I told my dad that I was going to marry him when I grew up, he laughed in my face, which was another rejection.
I have no idea where it came from and I never really talked about it to anyone because I didn’t understand it or knew it – not until now.
Now I think about all the really nice nice boys who liked me and wanted to go out with me. I can real their names off. And I just shut them down.
Abraham says that in another world, our inner beings are living our dreams and fantasies. That pleases me that on some level, I did enjoy all those men.
And it really comforts me for the future, that when the next fantastic guy comes along and if the fears crops up, I will know what to do with it.
Peace.
